September 21, 2010

Review: The Tour by WutheringBites

The Story:The Tour

The Author: WutheringBites

The Pairing: Bella/Edward

The Genre: Romance/Humor

The Rating: M

The Summary:
Bored tour guide Bella Swan is weary of dealing with the rich & obnoxious. That is, until Edward Cullen appears, nutty family in tow, to end her stupor. Can he charm Bella into breaking the rules while dealing with crazies in ten countries?

What I have to say about it:
Okay, now I know it's kind of frowned upon in some circles, but I fic dive like a mofo. Yesterday, I went on one interesting little swan dive and came up with something AMAZING! What REALLY blew my mind though was the review to chapter ratio. Seriously. I went all O_o and no one knows about this fic WHY????

So I'm fixing this now. Right now. Just sayin. Go read or I'll cuttabitch cry.

Bella is your typical tour guide, what, of course its typical to be a tour guide when said tours span a month and ten different countries. Doesn't everybody have that job???? *shakes head* P.S. That would be a pretty cool job. Enter this round of her tour and the fourteen crazies that she has to entertain.
Halfway through the third course, Schnitzel mit Knödel, I realized that this could possibly be the worst dinner I'd ever experienced. This type of thing could never be described as pleasant, but I was positive that the level of hellishness had skyrocketed this time. The conversation, or lack thereof, around me was enough to make me want to quit my job on the spot. I sat stiffly, attempting to choke down my shockingly awful food and maintain the peace, but I was foiled. It was usually my job to provide conversation starters or to fill in the awkward silences, but I never had the chance. There was no lull, yet every
second was filled with the absence of sense. I looked up briefly to follow a particularly rapid-fire bout.

Royce: "Doesn't anyone have any fucking decent mustard around here?"

Rose: "Umm whah?"

Emmett: "Gaah."

Carlisle: "So how about that rickshaw ride?"

Esme: "Not now dear. Everyone's occupied with saying nothing."

Nana Whitlock: "Sacajawea was only twenty-four when she died. She haunts me on Tuesdays."

Jasper: "Nana, can we tone down the ghost stuff? Please?"

Tanya: "You don't believe in ghosts, Jasper darling? I want to hear everything you think on that or any other subject."

Alice: "How's this for a subject? How to knock a slut out in two seconds flat."

Jane: "I'm kind of a slut."

Marcus: "A little girl like you shouldn't use such naughty words."

Arsenio: "A McFee can say whatever they want."

Kate (only to Little Timmy): "I have a paper cut on my elbow."

Little Timmy (only to Kate): "Do you want to leave now? I have some cream."

And of course, Edward (Mr. Cullen!), with a hand-to-the-temple: "Kill me now."
And honest to God, with that little part I was freaking DONE for! The Sacajawea shit cracks me up because after that point on, Bella actually calls Nana Whitlock (AKA Maria) Sacajawea for the rest of the story.

Here's the rundown. Emmett is a tour bus driver, Bella of course the tour guide. There are rules. No fraternization of any kind allowed yadda yadda yadda. The crazies on this trip are effing amazing. Rosalie, who is Bella's best friend goes with her boyfriend, Royce, but wants out of that relationship. Emmett just may be the key to that. Arsenio (AKA Aro) Is a sketchy dude that they have decided is in the Mob, Tanya is a big fake boob pretty much, Jane the trip slut, and Kate and Timmy are...vitamin hoors? O_O

That's pretty much all I can give you about the 'guests' without giving too much of the story away.
There are secrets, there are misunderstandings and a metric shitfuckton of sneaking around.

"These noodles taste like cereal-box powder and glue."

Wait! No! That's not what I wanted to say at all. It was entirely true, but I would have to think of something else. That was too inane, too casual. It took me far too long to realize that those words were not spoken in my voice. I found myself looking up before the motion could be stopped.

Edward sat, as stiffly as I, with a noodle-speared fork poised in midair. He glanced at it disgustedly, and then at me, one eyebrow raised. I remained silent.

"I expected something a little more…palatable. After all, isn't this a German specialty?" His glance turned into a look. "Wow, that sounded bitchy. I didn't mean it that way, like
that complaining creep at the end of the table."

That did it. Customer service trumps stammering stupor any day. "No, it's true. These are really terrible. Let me ask the kitchen to send something else." I took my napkin from my lap as if I meant to rise, knowing he would stop me.

"No, no, I didn't say it for that. I doubt any other choice would be better, and you shouldn't have to deal with that."
And apparently cardboard noodles. Good times. GAH! This post is so hard to make. I want to basically post the entire story. Ask thewaywardgirl. When I was reading it, i basically copy and pasted the entire thing to her in chat. She probably wanted to tear out my eyeballs hug me to death, as I was keeping her from her studies between this and a history lesson of my town and oxycontin...O_o Too much information?

ANYWAYS , I digress.

The point is...go read this story. It is grossly underrated and under appreciated. If you can, try and review every chapter because its actually so deserved. I mean, Emmett calls Bella 'ladybits' at one point. Come on now!

Check it out and follow WutheringBites on Twitter too!


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